FAKE NEWS: Inattentive Students Miss Out on Free Puppies

Don’t worry, Mr. President—it’s supposed to be this way


John Adkins

Exploding with cuteness, Laird Angus Mckangus sits patiently as he awaits for the warm embrace of an LHS Student.

The Scientists Ignored by School Districts Association (SISDA), has discovered in a recent study that an alarming amount of the LHS student body fails to pay attention to the morning announcements—even when free puppies are on the line.

The study was conducted on Wednesday, November 29th, when the statement, “All students who report to the main office between the hours of 9:00 am and 10:00 am with a signed RAMport will receive a free puppy” was read over the morning announcements. Only eleven students showed up to the main office to claim their free puppy, and only 3 of those students had signed RAMports. To the attentive students’ dismay, there were no free puppies to be handed out. However, each student was rewarded with a “crisp high five” by an LHS administrator before being sent back to class. To put it simply, attentiveness is at an all-time low at Lafayette.

Researchers at SISDA are unsure of what has caused the rapid decline, but sleep deprivation is the most probable culprit. “We’ve done several studies on adolescent brain development, and there’s an overwhelming amount of evidence demonstrating the correlation between sleep and brain growth,” said Dr. Kaman Sens. “Kids need sleep… it’s not that hard!” Dr. Sens, who has conducted much of his work with the esteemed Capt. O. B. Vious, believes the solution is quite simple. “Four words: later school start times.” However, in true WJCC fashion, the studies have been ignored. As a result, school start times remain at what many consider to be a time where students are barely capable of crawling out of bed, let alone doing calculus.

In spite of the school division’s ignorance, the LHS administration team has attempted to boost attentiveness in other ways. Last week, memes were read over the morning announcements in order to foster school spirit. However, this attempt to gain focus was received negatively, with many students claiming the memes “just weren’t dank enough.”

With plummeting approval ratings and supreme grogginess, what will it take for the Lafayette administration to captivate the LHS student body? Free Starbucks? Nap time? The world may never know…