FAKE NEWS EXCLUSIVE: Fantastic Feats and Where to Find Them

This week, Fake News with John Adkins introduces a new segment of the column entitled, “Fantastic Feats and Where to Find Them.” This monthly article will be dedicated to interviewing students who have accomplished “Fantastic Feats” at Lafayette high school. This month, We sat down with Jeremy Johnson in our exclusive interview facility (the janitor’s closet next to the lower commons bathroom).  Johnson hasn’t used a Ramport ONCE during his high school career—a truly Fantastic Feat.

Good morning! How are you?

I’m really good man! Does it smell in here to you?

Yes, it’s a bit musty in here. It’s probably the janitor’s supplies to your right.

Oh right. That makes sense.

Congratulations on your record! It’s a truly momentous accomplishment.

Thank you. It’s been quite the journey.

That it has! Where did the idea for this challenge originate?

Well, I suppose I got the idea when I first discovered what a Ramport was—a neon-colored, piece of paper that limits students to 15 bowel movements over the course of 9 weeks. It’s quite extraordinary.

Indeed.

And so I thought it’d be interesting if I could somehow not use them. Things can become extremely boring here, so I figured I might as well keep myself entertained with a fun challenge!

Yes! Now, I think some people might be confused with your nonexistent use of the Ramport—they might believe that you used a teacher’s Ramport or you’ve left class without one. But this isn’t the case, right?

Yes I do think people misinterpret the challenge frequently—to set the record straight, I have not left the room once during any of my classes for any sort of “Ramport” required activities.

So you’re saying that you’ve never left class to use the bathroom at all over the span of four years?

Nope. I’ve held it every time.

Wow! That’s incredible! Did you use any sorts of strategies to assist you in this endeavor?

Yes… the first couple of weeks were difficult—there were about two or three instances where I could totally feel my back teeth floating—it was terrifying HOW ABOUT “TOUCH AND GO” INSTEAD OF TERRIFYING—NOT SURE THAT ADJECTIVE IS ONE THAT WOULD BE USED IN THIS SITUATION…! But then I realized that if I were to change my diet, that would help things significantly. So, I refused to consume all liquids during the school day.

That’s takes some dedication… and I can imagine that there were health issues that developed as a result of your lack of food and water…

Yes, I did find myself quite dehydrated at first…there was one instance where I actually passed out in gym class during my freshman year.

Wow… 

Yeah it was definitely an issue. I started drinking more water after that.

That seems like the right idea. 

It definitely was. I just keep my body on a strict bathroom cycle—it took three months to plot it correctly, but I’ve coordinated my bowel movements to not occur during school hours.

Well, I know I’ve already said this, but your dedication is stellar.

Yes, I’m quite proud of this. This whole challenge has been the subject of many of my college essays. I actually had a neurologist from a university’s research department ask if he could conduct an experiment on my restroom usage patterns. He seemed to think it could be beneficial in the modern workplace—less bathroom breaks and stuff. 

That is truly fascinating. It seems like this has required a great deal of time and energy. Why did you feel so inspired to complete this challenge? 

I think a lot of it has to do with the concept of the Ramport itself—it’s a clear obstruction of freedom and it originates from a lack of trust between students and the administration—it’s quite unfortunate. Both sides are at fault, really. I figured that with the challenge, it would show that I do not conform to this policy, and that I didn’t need the privilege of 15 slots on a piece a paper for five minute increments of freedom. I didn’t need that to succeed. And as for the orchestrated restroom usage, I just thought it’d be amusing.

Interviewer’s commentary:

In the wake of a turbulent political era, often characterized by dishonesty, personal agendas, and an overall lack of class, civil disobedience is at the forefront of resistance–whatever form it takes. Whether or not this resistance is beneficial to society is open to interpretation, but people are demonstrating a willingness to stand up for their beliefs–a mindset that seems to be inherently American. And perhaps we’ll continue to see new forms of civil disobedience taking flight–they might be trivial, they might be ridiculous, but at least they’ll stand for something important. For as this student has shown us, even the abstinence of bathroom pass use can make a statement.