FAKE NEWS: Pencil Paucity

The beginning of a semester can create a variety of problems for students and teachers alike—the social and academic anxiety of new classes, the maddening frustration of add/drop, and the new presence of “difficult” students (and teachers), to name a few. Yet there is one annual epidemic that tends to stand above all others: pencil scarcity.

Pencils (or rather the lack thereof) have led to several issues during the opening weeks of the spring semester, with only two out of every five students having their own pencil at the start of class (only two of which possessed a functioning pencil). This problem has decreased classroom instruction time significantly, due to the need for a “rummaging period” during which students search their backpacks and binders for any trace of writing tool, only to find crumpled quizzes and moldy sandwiches.

As such, the elusive nature of pencils has resulted in a great deal of complaints from faculty members, who have recently found their personal stashes of pens and pencils looted by students. “Usually, they say, ‘can I borrow this (the pencil) for a quick sec?’ but you know that it’ll be much longer than a ‘quick sec’,” said one faculty member. However, according to another fuming administrator, other students are blunt in their approaches. “I saw one kid run into my room and steal an entire desk drawer full of pencils… and I’d just like to clarify—HE TOOK THE ACTUAL DRAWER.”

It has become quite clear that students are willing to take drastic measures to satisfy their pencil needs—oftentimes resorting to “underground” pencil dealers, who will accept blank Ramports in exchange for pencils. Despite the pencil scarcity, school supply sales haven’t increased in the slightest, with disgruntled parents refusing to make a bi-annual Staples run, and students preferring a Cook-out tray to a box of Dixon Ticonderogas.

In the wake of the pencil crisis, experts have been investigating the root of the scarcity, and student wastefulness seems to be most probable cause. “It’s a problem that sort of snowballs out of control,” said one expert. “First they lose one pencil, and then it’s two or three, next thing you know, they’ve blown through two boxes of pencils and are using highlighters to fill out worksheets.” Another expert believes that carelessness isn’t the only issue leading to the epidemic. “You’ll find pencils everywhere—the floor, the ceiling, and even urinals! They’re broken in half and missing erasers—it’s highly abusive.”

The despair and anxiety associated with pencil loss has reached entire new levels of hysteria, but why? Perhaps students feel that pencils are vital aspects of their work and productivity. Perhaps they fear the possibility of having to use OneNote on a daily basis (a terrible thought for teachers and students alike). But perhaps, the true catalyst to all of this anxiety originates from a constant desire to be have one’s life ‘together’ and a fear of being powerless in the turbulent trials of adolescence. For the absence of a pencil could be a mark of unpreparedness—leaving the user impotent in the classroom.  This futility creates a dependency on other classmates with pencil pouches—a dependency that could have easily been prevented with mindfulness. In any case, at Lafayette High school, pencils lie in urinals instead of the hands of students.