FAKE NEWS: Spectacular Sperrys

The latest in a series of studies conducted by TQ (Teenager’s Quarterly) has discovered that at a certain high school in the WJCC school division, a whopping 97% of the student body owns a pair of Sperry Topsiders. These findings have been met with a great deal of pride and narcissism at the school, while other students are surprised to find themselves wearing Sperrys on their own feet, with one student claiming, “I honestly don’t know they got there! The preppy-ness is absurdly addictive!” In any case, the study has revealed that Southern Prep and adolescent fashion conformity are at an all-time high within the walls of WJCC’s poster child.

TQ’s findings were released just two weeks after news broke of a Black Friday kerfuffle at the Sperry outlet store—a ruckus likely created by students from the school. “It was a mess, to be perfectly honest,” said a Sperry employee, “There were shoeboxes and Vineyard Vines bags filled to the brim with vests and pastel colored pants… I would’ve taken them home for myself, but they were all monogrammed!” Another employee was surprised by the surplus of socks that were left all over the store following the raid, “The sheer amount of Nike Elite socks was stunning and the smell was so distinctive…each one reeked of pretentious superiority…” Needless to say, the students wreaked havoc across the store, and the insatiable desire for Southern Prep has been fulfilled.

Upon the release of the report, the LHS Ledger sent an undercover reporter to investigate the Sperry craze and the general state of the rival school’s “preppy-ness.” The reporter discovered that due to a fascination with brands such as Sperry, Simply Southern, and Vineyard Vines, numerous underground businesses have popped up around the school. “Several students run their own monogramming businesses, where they’ll monogram everything from vests to Tervis tumblers,” said the reporter, “monogramming clothes is normally quite expensive, but these businesses offer an a more affordable option. Plus, it’s like the easiest thing ever—you just stick some initials on a shirt and you’re basically done.” However, the reasons for this fascination with monogramming and southern prep are less clear. “I think the fascination with these things has less to do with pretentious values, and more with personal identity—and for a lot of teens, that means conformity,” said The Ledger reporter. “I mean, the concept of monogramming is really just a way to display one’s identity explicitly and boldly, through the most basic thing that sets us apart from others—our names.” The reporter believes that Southern Prep fills this void created by a longing for identity and inclusion. “We all want that sort of identity, to be unique, but we also strive to fit in, to be a part of something, and we often turn to material things like clothing to help us do that,” claimed the reporter. “Southern Prep allows teens to be a part of something—it’s tied to a sort of tidewater regional identity, and demonstrates social class—it’s an ideal lifestyle for many.” In any case, Sperrys are at an all-time high and serving as a temporary solution to a problem that goes beyond the walls of a high school classroom.